I recall waning days of my high school to college relationship which was a steady sea of heartache splattered with some good times. I remember saying the words "I love you" too many times to count, but I'm not sure that I have ever been in love.
I've definitely been enamored, forever conflicted, but never in love. There is always pressure to feel differently.
People throw around those three little words like caution to the wind. We say "I love you" to our friends, family, dogs, inanimate objects, foods, drinks, drugs...whatever. But do we ever really mean it?
The only thing I can say I really love, besides the people in my family, is music. I'm in love with it. It is the air and the sun, the stars and the moon. I love words too...and I can talk about those two things like Romeo talks about Juliet.
But people? Another person? Someone significant enough to say "I love you" to, unconditionally, ever so often and to really mean it? I'm not so sure that feeling of security will ever come to me. I've gotten my heart broken a few times, and each one brought me back to the time I broke someone else's. I felt like Karma was getting me back for the wrong I had done. My heartbreak was not convenient, and at times I felt like "I love you" was a death sentence rather than one of admiration and appreciation.
I'm not a pessimist, but I've been screwed over, mistreated, wrote a thousand songs about heartbreak that don't have the marketability of Taylor Swift's and even so, still have a little bit of hope, that one day someone will come along, just as shambolic and strange as I...and things will feel alright.
Sure these people come along in dreams, they look like rock-stars...they're just the right amount of screwed up, brilliant and fascinating...but they always end up not being real.
Media and social sites will tell us that love is the most important thing on the planet, and when you have it, hold on to it. But what if you've never been in love? What if you're alone, lonely, lost? Is there inspiration in that loneliness?
I think there is. In fact, I think there's more.
Love isn't always a priority for everyone. For some, the thing that gives them fulfillment is their job, their family or even a thing...like music or art. Love is not easy and it doesn't always feel good, but when we're close to it, we feel like anything can happen. That one person that can embrace your sick failures and your epic successes without judgement. That's the person we're looking for. The one that can fix things, the one that can say "I love you" without looking at your chest or at the ground.
Some of you may have found that person already, and others may have fallen so deeply down the hole of relationship hell that they don't see the possibility of someone ever digging them out. I think it's okay to be in both places, and you shouldn't rush yourself into falling in love, or out of it. Things like love take time, attention and a bit of madness to be able to work. And even though I'm 22 and a mess, and I've never been in love, that's okay.
Sure I've had boyfriends, I've cared deeply, I've put myself out there...but being in love is too much of a commitment right now, and though all signs point to finding someone, I think I'll be just fine on my own for now.